Lazybones

Lately, I was slacking. Not badly, since, I still managed to keep-up with my self-appointed “write every day” role, but enough to ignore challenges.

Frankly, I did not find them that inspiring, unfortunately, this whole endeavor is exactly about this – stop ditching things half-way.

It’s such an adorable and frustrating trait simultaneously.

From one hand, I do what I want, for as long as it keeps my fancy, and when I get bored I move on without a shred of regret. From the other, it’s an infantile mentality that has no place in adult word of strict responsibilities and piles of unasked obligations.

I still do it, more than I care to admit. It’s embarrassing to remember how many stories and project lies forgotten, covered by the thick dust of my indifference; how many breathing faces are lost between those pages – silent, bitter specters.

My vice.

It’s hard. Abnormally unbearable.

My skin starts itching. My heart squeezes painfully and my brain throws a temper-tantrum. I yearn to change, to expand, to run far away  – from everything and everyone and start over. I love starting over. I’m a Goddess of new beginnings and wiggling out of finales.

I’m a cursed deity of half-finished work.

I suffer. Three years – it’s all I can muster, provided I have suitable distractions along the way, but when the deadline passes even those start to frustrate me.

I’m restless, and so I find new ways to occupy my thirst for new and exciting, in any way I see fit. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it tears me apart and leaves in pieces.

However, I adore it. I’m hooked on pleasure as much as I am on pain. The former is obvious, the later allows me to grow and reorganize myself.

I believe there is nothing more teaching than an unpleasant experience. I’d go as far as to argue that happiness gives nothing of value learning-wise.

I guess, it’s my motivation; inner drive that does not allow me to get comfortable and enjoy the pleasures of simple life.

No. I’m up and running – new gig, new dare, new – something, anything – pretty please!

Constant movement – that’s what I am – little in me is constant. I’m not sure and cannot guarantee that what I consider my base at this point, won’t be in ruins tomorrow. It happened too many times before, thus, who knows, who knows…

That’s why, I admire conservative people. I find them adorably boring too, but, I hold utmost respect and awe for them.

They mastered the art that regularly escapes me.

 

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