I’m walking still

Infinite worlds were born and crushed within my mind,

I found thousand loves, and thousand and one I’ve lost.

And through this constant Hell I went – I cried. I cried.

My eyesight dimmed and heart thinned, but I survived.

No matter the darkness; no matter the monsters and cost

I ripped veins drenched in filth, fired them up and shined.

 

5 thoughts on “I’m walking still

  1. I get it Lizardin: been there, done that, a thousand times or more, in this life and previous I’m afeard. Brutally honest, doesn’t leave much to the imagination. The eternal theme, correct me if I’m wrong, of stubbornly coming back to live and love again, persistent fools or whatever that we are. I think this is one that exploded out of you, painfully, followed by a great sigh of relief that it was out finally,and no looking back. But I think maybe you should have put it aside for a while, and gone back, reflectively, for another take. This question cries out for an answer: Why, Lizardine, why in the Great Mystery’s no-name, do we keep doing it, tearing ourselves apart in love? And then go back for more.

    Even now, in my elder celibacy (a lot to be said for it, by the way) I might still fall again if fate chose to let the cookie crumble in that direction one last, great time, knowing full well that it would probable end badly again. Or not? Maybe that’s the answer to the question: we keep trying because we are true Romantics; we want the great epic love that Peter and Heloise had, Tristan and Isolde, Helen and Paris, my grandmother Clara and grandfather Charles, her lover, in small world that couldn’t begin to understand and not condemn. But it’s worth it after all, to be so alive, so passionate for loving and living. And surely tragedy doesn’t always have to be the ending. Surely “we were born to be happy,” as my grandmother once said, drawing him to her with irresistible passion in that cold winter of 1919 in the small, grey, unhappy city.

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    1. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment and encouraging words; a crumble of hope that will not die no matter what will happen. Yes, there’s that – an eternal love, but there’s also an eternal loneliness. Who knows what card you’ve drawn; and that’s the beauty, I think. Sure, it’s painful at times, but mesmerizing nonetheless.

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      1. From personal experience I think I’ve learned there’s a lot to be said for patience, for waiting for the “right” one, and being ready and, yes, available when they appear. To live one’s life tormented by deep regret about what “might have been” is terrible. But at the very least it’s a lesson in how to live and love.

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