Study of personality

“Stay as you are”, “Be yourself”, “I am myself”

The most epic bullshit.

I am never me – a mask, a role, a doppelgänger

You name it, but never me.

It’s impossible to be me, since I have no idea who “me” is.

Sure – vague understanding of basic impulses and layers of acquired behavior, schooled principles, fed wishes and desires, embedded dogmas and socially acceptable behaviors – I know and, probably, on some level comprehend.

But is it me? Truly, honestly, me?

Nope. Not a chance in any version of vast reality.

Unfortunately, I am everything – a mother, a monster, a sister, a loner, a teacher, a sadist, a masochist, and a prevent. An angel and a demon. A judge and convicted. A sinner and a preacher, a daughter etc., etc., etc., etc. – and nothing.

Depends on my mood. Depends on the situation. Depends on my wish to keep the mask or break it. Depends.

It all depends, and by the end – who the hell am I?

Am I that naive girl, with a sincere smile and good intentions or am I that bitch with the poisonous tongue and psychopathic tendencies or something else entirely? Do you know?

I sure don’t.

Well, may be I have an idea. A construct. This is what I would call myself if pushed to give a label. I am like a lego house and my mind is a builder. I examine the puzzle pieces. I evaluate their worth and voila! I am whatever is convenient for me to be.

It works automatically. Not always in my favor (at least I think so). But, I guess, my lizard brain knows better (sometimes I catch it, and, almost, always agree).

But, then again, I am only a construct – what do I know.

8 thoughts on “Study of personality

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s