Why again?

“I deserve the Universe!”

Urghhh….even the thought that I deserve better than I have makes me shudder. I feel inadequate and ungrateful when I start thinking that I deserve more.

I hate the feeling! I truly despised it!

It’s like standing on the rooftop, gazing into the horizon – understanding that this is it – this is beautiful, amazing , glorious and rightfully yours – but the heights – those blasted heights makes you feel sick; and you are trembling; and you are sweating and finally crawling back, regretfully glancing at the world that should have been yours….It should have been mine.

Why the hell!? How retarded the system must be to teach us the humility, the gratefulness for what we have – Heloooooooo! We are not in crises any more. We are out and we are bold – brazen – shameless!

This “goody” mentality will not take you places…well it will but not the fancy ones. It will drag you trough the depths of misery and let you rot in the self-pity, regret and unfulfilled potential, because – you know what – there’s no forking equity nor equality nor justice in the world. “The srongest one survies!” – still rocks.

“Be grateful for what you have because others pray for the life you lead….” Well duah! I am not saying I’m not thankful, because I am, but why it automatically cuts me from wishing more, huh? If I have such a great base why waste it?

Why this inherited obligation to be happy with what I have when I can have more, hm?

… and I want more.

I am not satisfied with the education I have. I want to develop. I am not satisfied with the spark of the talent. I want an inferno. I am not satisfied with love. I want eternal devotion.

I am not satisfied with the scraps from the table. I want the feast. I am not satisfied with the melody. I want a symphony. I am not satisfied with the artificial humanity. I want authenticity.

and I want it, because I have worked for it.

Why should I be all right with the a-holes when I can shut them up? Why should I stay in one place when I can travel? Why should I listen to dogmas when I can see beyond? Why should I chose the shallow when I can handle the depth?

Why do I still cling to the shame?

Life is passing by. Life is there behind the metaphorical railing. But those blasted heights…

Why am I still afraid to leap when my wings grew so strong that even if I fall I’ll be able to fly again?

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