I have been ditching my poetic urges in favor of my prosaic ones’, but today…I dunno know…
My mother tells me it’s spring, and we, like cats (funny we actually are, being born on the year of a cat) feeling restless.
I do feel restless. I want something exciting to happen. I want to go out there, mingle, get crazy, breathe the life in and just…live.
On the other hand, I want nothing of this sort. I just want to curl on my couch and watch soap operas, scoffing at the redundancy and secretly swooning over them.
It’s the gaping hole. It itches. It’s getting reckless.
I need to move – urgently, desperately.
But I am not a teen anymore, and I do have responsibilities. I cannot just run away. I have life to sustain and … I am not free.
It’s a beautiful lie – just do it. Hell, you can’t.
Just do it works only on the screen. There’s no “happily ever after” out there – just life, and I kinda dig mine.
Gods, I could have turned so much worse than I have. I could not be here. I could have died.
This gaping hole made me do a lot of things I shouldn’t have. I tried to fill it with all things wrong, and only lately with things that are right.
I don’t know if it will help me. But I try.
Its baby steps, but I am going to the place where I think I will be happier. Because lately that’s all I want – to be happy.
I don’t know what it really means – a relationship, a healthy lifestyle, a place to belong or a road to travel or maybe all of this combined…But I want it.
I want it simple and clean.
No more tangled and forked up perspectives. Life is beautiful, no matter the shit happening around and it’s not about legacy or great achievements.
No, it’s about something much more harder – it’s about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about healing and being kind to others. It’s about getting out of your head and hopping down from a high horse. It’s about being humble and grateful for what you have.
It’s about being happy and content with the things that you do. It’s about being inspiring and patient with the one’s who is not.
It’s about growth, and I want to do that, and I think in time I will reach that place where I can be happy.